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'Go ahead and kill me'

Pregnant again, her marriage over, Dawn feels worthless, and drug treatment isn't working

By Mary Meehan

MMEEHAN1@HERALD-LEADER.COM

Her husband said he was going to kill her.

That's what Dawn Nicole Smith writes when she fills out a request for an emergency protective order after a fight with her husband, Tony. She claims that he threw her on the bed, choking her, and told her this was her end.

She doesn't write that she felt so used up and worthless, at 22, that at the moment she could no longer breathe, she wasn't even afraid.

Instead, when he took his hand away, she taunted him, gasping: "Go ahead and kill me."

The screaming fight in late July 2004 began because, Dawn says, Tony had been drinking at least a couple of 40-ounce beers a day, eating up the little money they had. He says he can't stay with her because she keeps going to jail.

Tony, 29, is 6-foot-2 and 200-plus pounds; he towers over his 5-foot-6 wife. When he said he was going to visit his girlfriend, Dawn exploded. Dawn says she knew a fight was coming, so she figured she'd get the ruckus started and get it over with. She chucked a metal spatula at his head.

At the emergency room, she's treated for pain. She doesn't tell the doctor that she is in drug court. She doesn't say that she is pregnant again. She needs relief, and she gets it. Later, she admits to getting one Lortab — which in the secretive language of addicts probably means she got several more.

She files an emergency protective order against Tony, but she misses her court date. Tony shows up, and the case is dismissed. Tony later says Dawn got hurt, but only because he was defending himself against her.

The previous month, the Lord and baptism were the answer, a lightning-bolt solution that required a sincere change of heart.

That didn't stick. Dawn never went back to church.

But after this fight, for today, it seems that maybe the lessons of all those self-help meetings and drug court counseling sessions have begun to get through.

Dawn says she just knows that the fight crossed some emotional line.

Tony hit her in the face with his fist, like he'd hit another man, she says.

She felt her jaw unhinge.

She'd always said that if any man hit her, she'd leave. But she says the first time he hit her was before the boys were born, and she stayed. She'd seen her mom smacked around a few times. She figured that's how couples are.

But now, she describes her marriage as "an unhealthy relationship." She doesn't want her kids to be raised thinking that this is how life should be. And something else occurs to her — things will get worse unless she takes action to change them.

"I can't let him destroy me," she says.

She moves to a trailer in Jessamine County with her mother and stepfather, Brenda and Larry Raines, taking the kids with her.

An old faded silver rectangle with equally faded blue trim, it isn't fancy, but it's clean. There's a room for the boys and one for her, although her whole little family always, somehow, ends up in bed together. The boys have a television and a PlayStation, and Larry always manages to fix up some junk car long enough to get her where she needs to go.

Her mom has hung up a gold-colored metal rendering of the Last Supper, a few pictures of Jesus and one of Elvis, some of the few things that make it from house to house as the family moves, as it often does. There is a table where they can have meals together. And a big corner lot where the boys can play. It seems like a good place to land.

It's never enough

To help spread out the workload at drug court, Dawn is assigned to a new caseworker. Roberta Daugherty, with dark-rimmed glasses and a chin-length bob, tries to help Dawn get better. Dawn responds to Daugherty's quiet way and frequent hugs and pats on the back. Daugherty pushes Dawn to sign up for food stamps and a medical card for her kids. She pushes Dawn to sign up for General Educational Development classes and to find a pro-bono attorney to get a divorce and set up child-support payments.

But while Daugherty pushes, it's up to Dawn to act.

And action comes in spurts, whether it's because Dawn is held back by fear or lack of education or because she's simply overwhelmed by the many systems she must navigate food stamps, Section 8 housing applications, paperwork for GED-prep classes.